Practical Fish-Fighting: The Only Guide

So you’ve decided to beat another man bloody with a raw fish. Congratulations! This is a big step in any young life, and you should be proud of yourself for taking the slippery plunge. The following guide will teach you everything you need to know about planning and winning a pescetarian death match.


Why fight with fish?


The fish is nature’s perfect weapon. No other animal in nature is so perfectly designed to wail on the human face. Observe:



This is some sort of salmon, probably from America. Maybe Alaska. It doesn’t matter. What does matter, is the fact that it has a back bristling with spines sharp enough to pierce your flesh. Fully grown, this salmon might weigh ten pounds- or more! It makes an excellent cudgel and the tenderized meat can later be mixed with soft goat cheese and spread on crackers. Delightful.



That’s probably true, but why in Lucifer’s taint would you want to fight with fish?


The answer is simple: honor. In days gone by, men would resolve their differences with a sword fight to first blood, or death. Pistols were the next weapon of choice for duelists. But both of those methods have a weakness: neither lasts long enough for a good spectacle. Fish are less lethal than a sword or a gun, so you can play well past first blood.


In fact, if an eye or a throat isn’t pierced, two strong combatants can keep going for entire minutes at a time.



I don’t hate anyone enough to hit them with a fish!


You don’t whip someone’s back with a belt fish because you hate them. You do it out of love. And also inebriation. When two men (or women) take to the field with stout halibut and noble flounder, they form a bond. Fish fights are the ultimate gesture of trust and respect. Studies from the University of Arizona show that couples who engage in regular tests of strength and agility last longer. The same is no less true with platonic relationships.


If you spend a lot of time around anyone, the two of you will build up little mental file folders of annoyances. Without some way of purging these bad vibes, you are doomed to an eventual explosive meltdown. But the instant you whip a sea bass into your best friend’s jaw, that anger will evaporate like spilled lighter fluid.



Alright, I’m sold. And I’ve convinced someone to fight me. How should I arm myself?

Any fish fight worth its Omega 3 will involve at least two fish to participant. Salmon makes a good choice for a main-hand weapon. You can find them in excess of two feet in length, and they make an incredibly satisfying noise when they slap a man full on in the neck. The belt fish is another wonderful offensive fish. Their long, thin body makes an excellent whip, that still has enough strength to successfully parry even a healthy-sized trout.



Halibut are a solid choice for a shield that can also be swung and thrust when the situation calls for it. But, if you want to be unassailable, your best bet is the monkfish.



This evolution in icthyoid weaponry has a bony skull and row after row of sharp teeth.. Which lead to the old saying: Don’t punch a monkfish in the face if like your flesh not torn off. NOTE- Wearing a monkfish head shield will take almost as much blood out of you as your attacker.


This sounds great! I can’t wait to belt my buddy with a catfish.


Whoa now, partner! You might want to back that shit up. You aren’t ready to fish fight just because you’ve picked up a brace of electric eels and downed a bottle of painkillers. There are a lot of things to take care of before you’re ready to throw down.


The Venue- I recommend a public park or, failing that, the playground of a local school. Bonus points for doing it during recess!



Your Gear Any item you wear will end up reeking of fish. Possibly forever. Your best bet is to go shirtless, and sew together a simple Dueling Skirt. Avoid traditional shoes or boots. Sandals or foot-gloves like the Vibram Five-fingers are the way to go.



Dressing Your Wounds- If you bleed easily or dislike infected punctures up and down your body, you should probably avoid fish-fighting. For a healthy adult, the risk of serious injury is minimal as long as you avoid catfish, sword fish, gar, and most types of jellyfish.


Is there any amount of scrubbing that can get this smell out of my skin?


No. But, with time, your loved ones will acclimate.


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